Lament of the Pear

Fashion-wise, I would have done much better in any other century. Look at these hip hiding gowns!


It seems to me that most women in the world are hearts or apples or hourglasses or rectangles, but very few of us are pears. It's definitely true that in any given store, 75-100% of the pants are designed for people with "noassitol" or "some bun plus a tummy". Me and my kind: we have mismatched body parts. God took a perfectly lovely size 4-6 top half and stuck it to the bottom half of a snowman.


Poor Susan has it too. Not so noticeable in her lithe size 00/2 body, but even those jeans are too big in the waist.

Too Big in The Waist is a style my lovely tailor is quite familiar with.

You've heard of pantylines? Pear girls have pocket lines. My ample thighs make extra long front pockets visible from 30 feet away. My tailor fixes those for me too. Why, oh, why did Mr. Eddie Bauer think that really long pockets would be perfect on those Blakely for Pear-Shaped Women chinos/capris/shorts? Do the designers think we have extra large hands as well as hips?


Whiskering. Worst idea ever. Some cruel designer said, "Let's make some jeans for the girls with hips. And let's put lots of subtle horizontal lines right at their widest point."
And their evil sidekick hissed, "Yesss, and let'sss add sssome big faded patchesss on the thighsss."

A Few Rules for Pears.

If at all possible, find a tailor, and be very kind, complimentary, and respectful of him/her. Try to bring her things with plenty of time to do a nice job. No one likes to be rushed.

Back pockets are important. Mr. Talbots should learn this lesson. Curvy girls have big buns. No one wants to see that much unadorned denim.


A-lines are A+. The A-line accentuates our normal waists and skims all of our problem parts. Pears have a very difficult time pulling off knit skirts, skirts cut on a bias, empire waist dresses, drop-waist dresses, pleated skirts, most prints, and shorts.

Pears can pull off a pencil skirt, but only if the skirt fits properly (get the waist taken in). This skirt from Target is serving me well, which is surprising because usually only the most expensive brands fit this well without alterations.
Regarding tops. Based on what I've seen at the mall and in catalogs like Garnet Hill, pears are being prejudiced on the top as well. The waist is the part we want to focus on, but all of the current trends look like this.


Or this.

So this spring, I may go really retro and try to bring back this style.


A more casual daytime look:


And for those formal occasions, such as visiting your nosy, photographer boyfriend with a broken leg, who's uncovering of a dastardly crime will soon put you in mortal danger:



Maybe something like this will detract from my lower half.


Maybe not.