It's crunch time. Ash Sunday. And as usual, I don't have a clue as to what I'm going to give up. Scratch that. I can't even decide if I'm going to give something up or do something extra.
I usually figure it out a week or two before Holy Week. I mean that I try on many different penances and figure out the one that I can actually stick with late in the game. I have a problem with setting my expectations too high, setting too many goals for myself and then not accomplishing anything rather than just focusing on one thing.
Focus.
We went to confession yesterday. The whole fam. I personally knew 9 out of the 13 people in line in front of me, not including my own kids. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong crowd. All the sinners.
Anyway, my penance was to spend two or three minutes in silent prayer, reflecting on what would be a good Lenten sacrifice this year. So, I went to the cry room, released Lucy from her task of watching Baby J, turned out the lights and sat down. Then three other kids showed up to tell me they were ready to go. I kicked them out and tried again to focus.
My mind has Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how the two minutes went.
I thought about giving up shopping and thought about how hard it would be to give that up, because of course I have to get super cute coordinating Easter outfits for my brood, especially because we are going to visit the Colonel and his wife in Georgia. And making large families look good is part of my vocation.
Then I thought about Georgia, and wondered how hot it will be, and how I will have to dig up summer wear for everyone.
Then I thought about summer wear, and how none of it fits me yet. I got away with just two post-pregnancy pairs of capris last summer. I thought how joining Weight Watchers to get rid of the last of the baby weight could be a Lenten thing, but it's pretty selfish, based on appearance, and I don't really think He cares how much I weigh. It's something that bothers me, not Him.
I dismissed the "Doing something nice for the Chef" because it isn't concrete enough for me to decisively do something extra or not do something every day. I can fake it for 5 weeks and then look back and realize I haven't done anything at all. Plus, should being nice to my spouse really be a penance?
I dismissed giving up caffeine. Don't want to punish the family with extra irritability.
Exercise and prayer and eating better and getting organized are all things I should be doing anyway.
I rationalized away every single idea. Out of all of these ideas, I just don't see the one thing that will bring me closer to Him.
I have these vague thoughts like, "For Lent, I want to be more like Mary." Could I be any less precise?
I have had some good Lents. Once, I gave up ice. It was subtle. I drink iced tea A LOT, so it was something that I had to give up several times a day. It didn't cause me to be irritable. Last year, I gave up "spicy." Pregnant and pouring Frank's Red Hot on everything, it worked for me then. Wouldn't work now.
There should be some kind of Facebook quiz or iPhone app to help people find the perfect Lenten penance.
What to do. What to do. My two to three minutes are long past but I still don't have a clue.
Self-examination is hard...the hardest! It's so much easier to vetch on the splinter in someone else's eye than to hire a contractor to remove the log from your own. To be even more less specific, try pressing into Him this season. What does that mean, entail, etc.?? Only you will find out. Maybe it means all the things you mentioned above to some degree...maybe it means seeking His will in your every thought and movement...maybe it means not giving into the tiny irritabilities that plague every mother. Maybe it's not a penance but a getting to know Him a little more each day--getting rid of certain distractions in our human lives only leaves more room for glimpses of our eternal life. He left us the Word, and the Church and His glorious Sacraments which, if we choose, we can encounter daily.
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