My late sister Mary suffered from infertility when interferon treatments for her first bout of skin cancer destroyed all of her eggs.
She never complained about it (though she did share her deep sadness). She longed for children and hoped someday to adopt her own.
But that wasn't to be.
Another sister of mine has had a long struggle with infertility too. Though her story has a happy ending, I know that for years there were prayers and tears.
Prayers and tears.
Prayers and tears.
I've been blessed with 5 healthy children, hopefully soon-to-be six, so I can only imagine what kind of interior suffering goes on when someone would love to be pregnant, and for whatever reason they just cannot conceive.
I realize that my approach to this issue might be too sensitive.
In sharing my reasons for not posting bump photos, I am in no way trying to cast blame on anyone who does. I do not feel called to celebrate my pregnancies with weekly photos on the internet, and I wanted to let you know why.
I know people who have lost a spouse, or who are single and would rather be married, yet I have no qualms posting pictures of me and my spouse.
But I don't do it every week.
Many, many years ago, a relative of mine who has no biological children but has a beautiful family of adopted children, wrote a lovely response to a letter in a Couple to Couple League magazine. She was responding to someone who was struggling with infertility and struggling with jealousy. Jealousy of fertile couples, jealousy of large families.
This wonderful and wise relative wrote a loving response about how she was blessed to never feel jealousy, to only feel excitement and joy and gratitude when anyone announced another pregnancy.
Not everyone is like that though. For many infertile people, pain is a daily companion. Baby showers and Christmas parties become trials of the spirit. So I make my choice to be sparing in my baby bump photos.
Though I know Mary was saddened at her lack of fertility, she was always joyful and generous towards me and my children. She cross-stitched pictures for most of my children. She knit blankets for babies she wanted to have someday. She loved my babies. She loved everyone's babies. She loves them even better now.
If you are struggling with infertility, know that you have a special place in my heart and in my prayers.
I would love to see your baby bump photos someday.
This is beautiful. I'm on year 7 of secondary infertility/low fertility. By the grace of God, we have two, but we long for a large family. I remember those days of feeling pain at someone's fertility, but now it's mostly a ghost pang, followed by joy for that person/family.
ReplyDeleteIt is compassionate to think so much about those who suffer, but I think there is also such an opportunity for us to practice joy in the midst of our trials by celebrating God's gift to your family.
There isn't a finite amount of blessing God can give the world, your joy is my hope and whenever you feel called to share it, I will rejoice with you :)
I love that your compassion is one that's wedded to intellect. You have thought out your reasons, and you're not simply driven by emotion. It makes me appreciate your gesture all the more.
ReplyDeleteWell said, Jessica!
ReplyDeleteLovely response.
ReplyDeleteI think people don't understand the level of hurt men and women feel by those silly off hand comments. Things about when will you have a baby? You need to have another baby soon before your oldest gets spoiled or what ever the comment may be. Your baby is cute, you should have more etc etc etc. I know they are not meant to be hurtful but they can be. After my difficulties concieving and holding onto pregnancies I never assume anyone is choosing not to have children. A week after losing my first pregnancy someone made a snarky comment about how I'd been married for 2 whole years ::gasp:: and had no children. I think its hard sometimes for people to understand when they are surrounded by large families and lots of babies. It does not come easily to everyone. Plus, commenting on people's children or lack there of is never appropriate not matter what end of the spectrum they fall.
For this very reason, I never jump to conclusions about Catholic couples I know that have no or few children. It almost always comes to light after years of acquaintance that they were not able to have children, or had children and lost them. <3
Deletethis is really an excellent post. it is not easy to face those images while our own {lost} pregnancy is ignored. Trials of the spirit; prayers and tears.
ReplyDeleteThis is a wonderful post. I hope that I would have felt only joy for fertile women if I'd been unable to have children of my own, but I know it would have killed me. Sadness would have been okay--but I wonder if I would have felt jealousy as well. (I hope not, but I don't know.) You are such a sensitive and thoughtful person, you really are.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those jealous ones, I'm sad to say. I have a friend who incessantly posts pictures and stories about her sweet little one on Facebook, and while I'm happy to see her so happy, it almost feels like she's bragging sometimes. Most likely, I'm just overly sensitive, but still.
Prayers and tears, for me, too. Prayers that I accept whatever God has planned, and tears because sometimes dying to myself is so darn hard!
Thank you for a beautiful post! I think most women dealing with IF hate to think that their situation would put a damper on another's joy over her own pregnancy and growing family. But they are oh so grateful when the comments and questions are tempered with a little sensitivity and tact. You seemed to have realized the importance of this and please know it is recognized and much appreciated!
ReplyDeleteThis post made me think. I'm still not sure exactly what I think, so more pondering I will have to do. I can see where you are coming from, but I don't know if I agree 100%. This may have to be a blog post reply ( I know you are on the edge of your seat waiting - ha!)
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post! Thank you for your sensitivity and appreciation of the pain. I just stopped in from Colleen's. I am not afraid to express my gratitude in God and the fact that He has given me so much wisdom on this issue after going through the dark valley myself. And He has blessed you with the wisdom as well.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post. Thank you for your compassion. I have pcos and have struggled with infertility and miscarriage for years. I have never wanted to dampen another woman's joy with my pain, but I appreciate when her announcement is made with sensitivity.
ReplyDeleteThank you, thank you, thank you for this post. A million thanks. From someone who has struggled with IF and now recurrent miscarriages (and hoping that the baby in utero is allowed to live here on earth).
ReplyDeleteThank you for this - I have 3 beautiful children and have been given the gift of being able to see and raise 1 of them. It can be so hard to find the joy in at all and it means the world to have people around you who know this even when they're full to bursting with exciting news of their own.
ReplyDeleteI've actually struggled with this idea, after "loosing" my two Saints in the last year, of how I'll announce and share my joy if I ever get to keep another one while being sensitive to this new world I'm so acutely aware of now.
It's such a fine line.
This is beautiful. I personally officially faced infertility (yet - I'm suspicious it will happen) , I have several friends who have experienced infant loss. I am more aware than ever of this struggle, but it didn't occur to me that weekly 'bumpdates' could stir such painful emotions. Your post is definitely thought provoking, and something I will be sharing with others. Thank you.
ReplyDelete